From a letter by a former committee member October 2010:
“During this discussion, LC did not volunteer the information that he had sexual relationships with his students; instead, he only answered questions when challenged. Throughout the course of the discussion he did admit to having three concurrent sexual relationships with his students, two of whom were present. One was distressed.
LC did not appear to understand his accountability and a lengthy discussion occurred. I made it quite clear that there was an imbalance of power in his relationships with his students. He stated to me that the women were consenting adults and so therefore there was no problem.
LC also stated that ‘conflict of interest’ and ‘transparency’ were Western terms. He stated clearly that the women he had sexual relationships with were not vulnerable. He refused to believe that having his domestic partner on the Committee had the potential for conflict of interest.”
From an email sent by a member attending an October 2010 committee meeting:
“One of the women LC had slept with, who is physically impaired, became distressed and began protesting LC’s behaviour in a rather incoherent manner. Nearly everyone in the room laughed at and mocked her, including LC, a monk and a nun. LC called her a liar. The woman demanded that LC tell the truth. He replied that the only real truth was the Four Noble Truths, which tell us of the unsatisfactory nature of life in samsara. I remember looking at him while he said this, noticing the beneficent face of His Holiness the Dalai Lama beaming down at us from the wall above him.”
There was also the attitude as time went on, “That if you don’t like it leave,” and “This is LC’s Society and he should be able to run it as he sees fit, as he knows best.” To me this implies that those members who have helped to build and continue to support SLCD and who would like to see some healthy change take place, may have very little say in SLCD’s future direction.
And these 2 condensed responses from GF3:
“On 20 January 2011, I received a phone call from [a committee member] informing me that I was now banned from attending retreats as a result of a SLCD committee meeting on 19 January. i was heartbroken at this unexpected news. I have been a student of Lama Choedak’s for over 24 years, his only surviving original student, & one of the few life members.
[8th February 2011] I would like to seek clarification in writing (not email) of the grounds for me being banned, as i am entitled to do –to date I have only received very communication of the Committee’s decision.
Why am I being denied the ability to follow my religious observances?
At whose direction did the ban occur?
Why was I given no opportunity to appeal?
LC & i both attended the Confession Tsog& prostrated. Why is it that his misconduct was purified & mine was not?
Please send me the minutes of the SIBA residents’ committee asap. Who was present when this decision was made?
I am forwarding an email copy of this letter so that it can be dealt with promptly at the next committee meeting. Perhaps there may be some ideas in the Healing Relationships book – apart from the shocking unDharmic ostracism of banning. Yours faithfully, [GF3]
NDM: How so? What comments were made?
Ven Tenpa Bejanke Duim: The usual comments from the pro-LC supporters were, “These women are emotionally unstable," They have an axe to grind,” “She is jealous because she secretly wanted to sleep with LC and he had refused her." Rumours also began to circulate about the mental health and emotional stability of anybody who spoke out and expressed their concerns.
There were also the comments about, “Our deluded perception,” “That this was a teaching and due to our impure perception we were unable to understand it,” “That the truth is relative,” as well instruction and admonishment on the ‘emptiness’ of all things.
NDM: What other comments were made?
From a letter by a former committee member October 2010:
“I have watched this man deliberately deceive, manipulate and mock those who have given not only financially but spiritually to him. Discrediting those who would speak out against him, including accusing a Nun of making sexual advances towards him, and that her motivation for speaking out was due to him refusing her.
Religion (whether it be Christian, Judaism, Islam, Hindu, Buddhism or any other ethnic belief system) often attracts those who are in vulnerable states. Several members of SLCD have known mental health issues. When an organisation cannot act in an ethical manner those who are the most vulnerable also become the most at risk.
Those who seek to join a Buddhist group come with open hearts and minds trusting in the integrity of the organisation and those individuals who deliver the Buddhist teachings. When you have a Spiritual Director such as LC delivering teachings on Mindfulness of Speech, there is the assumption that the man follows these teachings.”
From a condensed personal email sent to me:
“Your letter concerning Lama Choedak Rinpoche's private life was forwarded to me by a friend as I respect and know the man very well. I was compelled to write to you as it may help you to clear your own stuff and those others who you have drawn inspiration to go to the length of disparaging your own teacher and all the things that is now violating your own vows, if you have any left.
I have not been able to attend Rinpoche's precious teachings as much as I have want to. I have never found a teacher so inspiring when he teaches and I would have never become Buddhist if I did not hear him. In 1990s I went on a pilgrimage to India with him. He never stopped inspiring me through his dedicated Dharma work.
You call yourself as former student! How do you cease to become a student if you know what you are talking about. You call yourself venerable and call this ethical Buddhist discussion group. You say you are training in pastoral care work. Well, it is very obvious that you will fail to become one. Did you also fail to become S.4 (lover 4) and then decided to join into this wasteful time to disparage this eminent teacher here in Australia? I think you are making a serious mistake by wasting your time in slandering anybody let alone the teacher and organisation that has helped you to do the retreat. Is this your thanksgiving mandala offering? Slandering is one of the ten negative karma as is holding wrong view. And if you consider yourself as nun, these misdeeds are even more serious. Also your misdeed of writing the slanderous letter constitutes one of the five heinous crimes as you try to cause schism in the sangha about someone's private life. You should stop once and for all move back to your home, to your father or a husband that Rinpoche cannot be for you. You should apologise to Lama Choedak Rinpoche and I am certain he will forgive your misdeeds.
However good your intent is when you wrote the letter, I can see very clearly you have been listening to disgruntled women who are infatuated with Rinpoche and you think you can take up this as a good cause. You all love him, don't you? When you have no wisdom, even love turns to poison. So, do not waste your time and bring shame on Australian Buddhist nuns, who Rinpoche worked so hard to help. Well, if you are not happy where you are, go and join the nun's community in Perth or somewhere with Theravadins and you will see how they treat you as woman. After all, I can see why the Buddha spoke the faults of women, because you are expressing all of them for us. I am ashamed by you. It is true why women's scorn earns them a place in Avici hell. Also hate never ceases hate. Love and compassion is the teachings you should turn to.
By the way, Lama Choedak Rinpoche is not a monk and he is a lay man, like Padmasambhava is. Please remember these are all teachings for each of us, if you know the nature of your mind. What you see is only what you think, nothing else is real. Even ethical Buddhism is an illusion! Even compassion has to be practiced with wisdom knowing empty of inherent existence otherwise it becomes poisoned.
I pray that your negative states of mind are illusory as are your convictions! May you reclaim your inspiration from Lama Choedak Rinpoche and become a reformed student!
NDM: Were the meetings that the group held about this done in the open or kept secret?
Ven Tenpa Bejanke Duim: Can we clarify this, were you meaning our group or their group?
NDM: Their group of monks, lamas, SLCD members and so on?
Ven Tenpa Bejanke Duim: The society meetings concerning LC and his actions were usually kept very quiet as indicated below The Melbourne meeting in mid-2009 was kept very quiet and many people in Canberra had no idea about what was going on.
The first thing I heard on exiting retreat at the end of April 2010, was,“LC is having an affair with GF1 and we aren’t telling X our housemate as she doesn’t need to know.” And then,“Well yes, there is GF1 and also GF2 as well, however if we all remain strong SLCD will get through this.” So we were not to gossip.
LC and GF1 cemented their relationship by jointly purchasing a new house March 2010 in Canberra, however, LC had not told GF3 and she only found out about his new living arrangements several months later. At my Fire Puja in June 2010, GF3 wanted to alert and warn people to what had been going on. So at the Puja she made it known, quite dramatically, with a single slap that she was unhappy about LC’s actions.
Incredibly, these events still remained quite secret, the Spiritual Director was co-habiting with the President/GF1 of SLCD and there were still some committee members who did not know this.
From a former committee member October 2010:
“The first I heard about LC's behaviour came in an e-mail early October 2010, which I had access to due to my role as a committee member. It was very discreet and I had to delve deeper to understand its meaning. The following two days saw me make a flurry of phone calls trying to get to the bottom of what on earth was going on. On the basis of my increasingly more disturbing discoveries, I asked for LC's behaviour to be placed as an agenda item at the committee meeting.”
For Canberra, it all started coming to light in October 2010 and in the end, as far as I can recall, the president, the secretary and an ordinary member, at that time resigned. And there are other people who have left/leaving or who are hanging in there hoping that things just might change at the upcoming Annual General Meeting, and if it doesn’t change they are out of there.
NDM: What about your group meetings?
Ven Tenpa Bejanke Duim: We weren’t secret, people found their way to the meetings and we made them welcome. We had some people come for a meeting or two and then return to the Society or they moved on in a different direction. And it was such a hard slog to hold it all together and to keep it going, so I suppose for some people it was all too hard and it was easier to just walk away. There was also disagreement on how to hold LC as well as SLCD accountable. Some people were more comfortable with one approach and not another. Moreover, I think we did extraordinarily well to have worked and waited together over the months, through the strain of trying to bring accountability to SLCD, I applaud us all.
NDM: In the minutes of the meeting you sent me it says, “For this reason, the meeting to be held on this misconduct issue would not actually be a meeting, but a solemn tsog ceremony.’ What did this mean?
Toward the end of a very long committee meeting, LC finally agreed to send out a letter to all financial members that outlined his sexual misconduct and lying, everyone was happy with this. At the next committee meeting the minutes were changed and LC, with backing from the current committee, had instead agreed to do a ChenrezigTsog in December 2010. However, many members would not be able to come to the Tsog due to distance and money constraints, this meant that only about a third of SLCD’s members would know what was going on.
From a former committee member 6th October 2010:
“Once it had become clear that the mood of the majority of the members present at the Committee meeting was “Team Rinpoche” and that it would be impossible to get a general meeting of all members passed, I settled for LC writing a letter of apology to all financial members of SLCD. Another financial member present at the meeting sought clarification of its contents and LC confirmed that it would contain an apology about his sexual misconduct and his lying.
As it was after midnight at this point, I did not ask any further questions. I did, however, make it clear that those who sought to have teachings from LC had the right to make an informed decision. This informed decision related to being aware of his sexual misconduct and previous lying. If potential students were comfortable with his behaviours, then I had no issue with him teaching them.”
Official SLCD Minutes 6th October 2010:
“Two committee members proposed calling a special General Meeting of SLCD’s members to consider a response to allegations of sexual misconduct against LC. In response, LC apologised and promised to improve his behaviour in future. He agreed to an alternative suggestion to send a written apology to financial members of SLCD.
The meeting expressed satisfaction with this response if apology covers sexual misconduct and lying.”
So the committee eventually got LC to agree to send out a letter to all financial members about his sexual misconduct and lying and then three weeks later the minutes were changed.
From a SLCD member at the 27th October 2010 committee meeting:
“The meeting then moved to the issue of LC’s letter of confession to members. LC declared that the record of the last meeting contained in the draft minutes was incorrect. He had never agreed to write a letter of confession to members. He had only agreed he would write a letter if necessary. And that many people had since told him that it was not in fact necessary. He said that a meeting to discuss the issue would be better and that he had therefore decided there should be a Tsog offering in four weeks time. LC said we all needed to move forward, stop overreacting to his so-called misconduct and put the Dharma first. He then praised the committee for their positive handling of the matter. The minutes of the previous meeting were amended to reflect LC’s preferred version of what had occurred. There was no opposition to this action as the committee members opposed to LC’s behaviour had resigned since the last meeting.”
The details of the Tsog ceremony were quite secret. A formal letter of invitation to the Tsog ceremony was sent out to all financial members, it spoke about the teachings LC had given over the last 25 years, the death of LC’s father and how it was an appropriate time to come together to dedicate, rejoice and to give thanks. The letter also mentioned that LC wished to make a public statement.
One monk was told, “Be here as it is going to be really special.” I didn’t go, as an ordained person I didn’t want to be seen supporting LC, I just couldn’t do it, as in my opinion, LC wasn’t sincerely sorry and the minutes had been changed on his request.
While SLCD was organising the Tsog, ‘the group’ was trying to raise awareness and support. One of our members made the effort to speak with HHST’s wife, GyalyumChenmo in India.
Notes from a phone conversation with H.E. GyalyumChenmo on the 27th November 2010:
“I said that I was a student of LC’s and that a number of students had some concerns about LC. I said that we had tried to talk to LC about those concerns, but that he had not listened to us. And that now we were involving the media. I said we were doing this because HHDL had said that if you tried to resolve serious issues with your Lama and he didn’t respond, you should publicise the matter in the media. GyalyumChenmoresponded that HHDL had not meant it quite like that and that speaking to the media would be very bad for Vajrayana and in particular for Sakyapacentres and would have no benefit at all.
GyalyumChenmo told me that speaking to the media would be very bad for Buddhism and would have no benefit. I asked whether HHST could help us so we could avoid going to the media, but GyalyumChenmo said that this was not possible. I explained the nature of the issue with LC, which GyalyumChenmo agreed was very bad and said that her husband took the matter of Lama misconduct very seriously. However, she reiterated the no media message and said there was nothing HHST could do to help us. She told me that she was the mother of the Skayapa and was giving me a mother’s advice. She said she would speak to LC and HHST for me and then email, but I never heard back from her.”
The endorsement sent by HHDL and HHST for LC’s ChenrezigTsog can be viewed at http://www.sakya.com.au/hhstlettertolcr/
Abbreviated Tsog ceremony notes from a SLCD member, 5th December 2010:
“Approximately 40 people attended the tsog ceremony. LC entered the room accompanied by the representative of HHDL in Australia and the Secretary of the Tibet Information Office. (TIO)
A monk spoke first, introducing himself as the President of SLCD. The monk welcomed everyone, but particularly the official representative of HHDL and the Secretary of the (TIO). He said the reason we had gathered was to celebrate the 25th anniversary of LCR’s commencement of teaching in Australia and to give thanks to LCR for his precious teachings.
The monk gave an account of the escape from Tibet of LCR and his family, LCR’s monastic training, his solitary retreat and how LCR had started SLCD.
The monk praised LCR’s “loyalty”, his “superb teachings on Buddhist philosophy”, his “clear and excellent teachings”. He mentioned SLCD having 23 sister centres. He talked about how LCR’s teacher, HECTR, had recognized LCR by giving him a specially commissioned thangka, a gold ring representing the quality of LCR’s bodhisattva vows and by bestowing a title upon him. He claimed that “Rinpoche made history” by convening the first bhikshuni ordination. He said that 3,500 people had taken refuge through LCR.
The representative of HHDL then spoke. He commenced by addressing LCR as “respected Lama Choedak Rinpoche” and talked about being happy to participate in a tsog offering to celebrate 25 years of LCR’s teaching in Australia. He said LCR was one of the leading teachers of Tibetan Buddhism in Australia. He congratulated LCR and asked us to continue to support LCR in his work.
HHDL’s representative then read out a message from HHDL. It mentioned the celebration of LCR’s 25 years in Australia. It said that HHDL’s office had sponsored LCR’s retreat. It praised LCR’s activities. It urged us to continue to support LCR’s activities. HHDL’s representative then read a second letter, this one from the Minister for Religion from HHDL’s government in exile.
A nun then got up and read a letter from HHST. The letter mentioned the celebration of LCR’s 25 years teaching. It mentioned some of his qualifications, it spoke of the centres LCR had founded, the prominent teachers he had brought over to visit Australia. It gave an account of his having received the title TsarpaLochen (Great Translator) from HECTR. The statement said, “I rejoice in all of the work achieved by Lama Choedak-La over the last 25 years.”
LCR then made a statement. He thanked the visiting dignitaries for their support and thanked everyone else for attending. He said it was good to reflect on the good things that had been achieved, but that he also wished to comment on some personal issues.
LCR said that he had married in 1988. However, the time he spent on dharma activities had placed a strain on the marriage. As a result, the marriage had been effectively over in all but name after two years. LCR said that his wife left him in the mid-1990s and the two of them had been separated since then. However, at some time after his wife left, the two of them had moved back in together for the sake of the children. LCR said he had lived in the basement of the house for 11 years in order to be there to help. During this period he and his wife had led separate lives. Finally, after many years of trying to save his marriage, LCR had moved out this year. LCR said he had had a few clandestine relationships over a few years. He apologised for the hurt this had caused. However, he wished to point out that he was not a monk. He said he had not been as lucky as others present in having good relationships. However, he acknowledged that his conduct had been inappropriate and he apologised for any hurt and confusion it had caused.
LCR said that much had been written about his conduct and that half of it was not true. He said that the tsog ceremony we were about to hold was about purification as much as about celebration. He asked that we all not discuss this matter further and respect his privacy for the sake of his children. He said we needed to remember the many good things that the centres had achieved and keep working together for the sake of the dharma. Dharma was not about judging others, but being kind.
Everyone makes mistakes and we should forgive each other and be kind. We should remember that difficulties stabilise our kindness. We needed to find peace in our own goodness. The tsog was about acknowledging our own imperfections.”
Just recently, I discussed with a current committee member my feelings about the Tsog, and this was, “I felt it was inappropriate to preface the Tsog with ringing endorsements from HHDL, HHST and the TIO. This Tsog was supposedly for LC to publicly acknowledge his sexual misconduct and the lying he engaged in to deceive the community. It was to wholeheartedly apologise to those members who had been left distraught and disenchanted.”
The response from him was, “It just had a little bit of Tibetan spin doctoring,” and he found this quietly amusing.
People have been left devastated by these actions, they have left Buddhism and not just to go to a different tradition but left it completely. Just another betrayal from a religion looking after its own, and all they were offered was some ‘Tibetan spin doctoring’ instead of a heartfelt apology acknowledging the hurt and confusion that they were experiencing.
Where was the humble offering of empathy and compassion that the members so richly deserved?
NDM: In the notes of the committee meeting it says that, "he (LCR) quizzed us on whether we remembered what the other Noble Truths were…….. He then gave a brief speech on what each of the Four Noble Truths meant. He said we all needed to be tolerant and to forgive.”
Ven Tenpa Bejanke Duim: From a file note sent by a member attending the 27th October 2010 committee meeting:
“At this point GF3had an emotional outburst which lasted for at least ten minutes. A member left during the outburst. GF3 talked incoherently about the need for openness, condemned secrecy and demanded that LC write a letter of confession. During this period LC called GF3 a liar. A nun asked her what she was trying to achieve. GF3 replied that she wanted to expose the truth. The nun then stated that from the Buddhist perspective “Truth was relative.”
During all of this a monk and a committee member repeatedly spoke over GF3. The monk accused her of quite a few things and suggested banning her from SLCD events. Nearly everyone in the room was disagreeing with her, mocking her and laughing at her. LC repeatedly laughed at her. At one point he looked at me, shook his head and laughed.”
Did LC and the then committee members have any concept of what tolerance and forgiveness means at this committee meeting? Did they mean you only show it to those you approve of, those who keep their mouths shut, those people that you think are worthy of it?
Moreover, does it set a good example at a committee meeting for the Spiritual Director and the ordained sangha to publicly mock and disparage a highly upset and devoted member? A member that has given over twenty years of service to LC, who helped to establish him in Canberra, was his benefactor, his chauffeur, his sexual partner for over three years and had even been prepared to give him the deeds to her house?
Tolerance and forgiveness, and I like many others learned it the hard way. I learnt it in the most agonising way in retreat, and now I am learning it here again in a different and in a no less challenging manner. This experience has allowed me to grow in ways I never thought possible, with the diverse group of people that I have come to know through this drama, the people I thought I knew within SLCD, through the letters and emails I have received, through my friends on the 'outside' and possibly quite the hardest way by a wonderful American Zen practitioner that I had the good fortune to meet, just before Christmas 2010.
She said, “Well what is your part in all this,” and quite frankly I was pretty well affronted because wasn’t I the victim here. It took several weeks of soul searching but I found my equanimity and then I could look at my role in this affair and LCs’. And I cannot thank her enough for having pointed this out to me, that I too was responsible, and then it was such a relief to own my part in this.
NDM: Going back to the minutes of this meeting, it also says, "LCR then talked about how happy he would be to step aside as spiritual director if he felt it were not essential to SLCD’s best interest that he remain." He then said that if people still had concerns about the misconduct issue, they could speak to him individually.
I politely asked for further clarification of the proposed order of proceedings at the tsog. LCR said there would be his statement first, then the Confession Sutra of the Three Heaps complete with all the hundred or so prostrations, then the tsog ceremony and feast. He said that this was the usual way that misconduct was handled in the monasteries. And that the people in the monastery would not see what he had done as anything particularly serious given that he was a householder rather than a monk. He said for his misconduct to actually be serious he would have to have done something like Angulimala, who killed 999 people and made a necklace of their thumbs before meeting the Buddha and changing his ways"
What are your thoughts on this logic? That what he did was not serious, because he was not a serial killer like Angulimala?
Ven Tenpa Bejanke Duim: Now this is really awful and quite confronting. Myself and others are going through a tough time with this situation, because is this sort of situation of such little consequence to the Tibetan monastics of the present day that it doesn’t bother them, and I just don’t know.
If LC, who is a very visible presence in the Sakya lineage in Australia, feels that it is beneath his notice to keep the vows that are basic to the Buddhist tradition, then what is the worth of the empowerments and their vows that he has bestowed upon others? Obviously very little, as HHST is reported to have said," If you are unhappy with the empowerments that you have received from LC, by all means take them again elsewhere.” And as someone later remarked, “Do I get my money back.”
Not only that, the most difficult thing for me was did HECTR know about this, HHST did and wasn’t overly concerned. Did HECTR know, and did he decide that his ‘heartson’ was still worthy of this title and of a long life prayer, irrespective of whatever kind of misconduct he participated in. Or was he deceived, did he know that at the time of bestowing the long life prayer that LC was already beginning to live a lie.
The truth will probably never be known, but what a legacy to leave for those who follow.
The Buddha gave his lay followers precepts to live by, and in this day and age are they no longer important? I don’t claim to be holier than thou, I live with my vows as best I can and like many other practitioners I make mistakes and I try to learn from them. Trying to cause the least harm to self and others is not always easy, however, I do know that the precepts are important to me and if I were to disrobe they would still be important to me, as I have over time, realised their significance in my life.
NDM: What is your motivation? What is it that you want or expect from making this public?
Ven Tenpa Bejanke Duim: I keep on examining my motivation, am I being reasonable, have I taken this way too personally and have I gone too far?
New people will come into SLCD and onto the committee, and if an atmosphere of openness and transparency can be cultivated, then I believe SLCD will have a lot to offer the dharma community. However, change would not have happened unless people had agitated for it and I don’t want that to be lost, that people had to raise a fuss for the truth to come to light.
Also, that all members of a community should acknowledge that difficulties do arise, and that sweeping them under the carpet does not make those problems go away. Wrapping deceit in the honeyed words of congratulations on past deeds is deceiving the self. A community needs to act constructively on any difficulties, and in such a way that it does not denigrate the feelings of its members. A committee should not hide behind the veil of ‘gossiping,’ and ‘slander’ so as to intimidate others. People should be allowed to speak out and then listened to in a respectful manner, as evil can and does flourish just as well in our silence as it can and does flourish in our outspoken voices. To be put in the position of ‘gossip’ on the one hand and ‘colluder’ on the other is unpleasant. Therefore, dialogue that is transparent and honest should be used to address the problem at hand before the problem escalates out of control.
Over time I have had my beliefs sorely tested. And yet, despite the turmoil I have found myself in, I still have faith in the truth of the dharma, as this truth, at times, was the only thing that held my sanity intact in retreat. For me it is the universal truth of my world and Tibet has very little to do with it. Right from the start I felt a connection with the Vajrayana, but as time passes I no longer cling to that connection, as it is ephemeral and I have let it go just as mist would slip through my fingers. There is nothing to cling to, nothing to be angered by, there is only a compassionate understanding for the difficulties we all face in our lifetime.
I do care deeply for all those caught in the dilemma of deciding how best to approach these issues. I asked myself the hard questions, I meditated on my intentions and for me it came down to morality. More and more I began to realise that the foundation of my practice was built on ethics. I abide in the relative world and in the relative world to live ethically is to live wisely.
In this article several issues have been raised, and by no means have all of them been addressed. Therefore, a last point that cannot be ignored is the supervision of and duty of care to retreatants. Due to the personal nature of a retreat, the people I have spoken with are reticent on having their details divulged. Having witnessed the emotional toll that has been exacted on some people due to inadequate retreat supervision, it is my sincere belief that a new committee will address these issues so that no person’s life is ever again placed in danger. Also, all retreatants will be treated respectfully, cared for appropriately and promptly and offered assistance in retreat and after its completion as they require.
From a condensed email sent 6th October 2010:
“Another point is that from my understanding Rinpoche is not qualified to lead folk in retreat. [X] had little guidance whatsoever and Rinpoche was quite off hand with [X] many times. With [Y] in retreat [Y] confirmed to me that when Rinpoche was in town he visited [Y] twice a week - totally inappropriate even if just for tea - once a month would be too much - so he was somehow sabotaging [Y’s] retreat. I could see [Z] was saying weird things and energy all over the place, Rinpoche was seeing [Z] on the Saturday, so I trusted that he would sort out or take [Z] out of retreat. When I had problems in retreat he would say just stay, it all comes out of emptiness and will go back into emptiness, I came out having cried (wailing) for days and it took me months to recover.”
NDM: What about the consequences of speaking out like this? For example, how will this affect your relationship with this Tibetan Buddhist community?
Ven Tenpa Bejanke Duim: My relationship with some members of this Buddhist community is of little consequence, because even if only one person makes a well-informed choice about their spiritual needs from reading this, then the interview has served its purpose. Nevertheless, I hope that a mutual respect can still be maintained, as we all want the best outcome, albeit in different ways, for SLCD.
And my journey with the other remarkable likeminded people of ‘the group’ is treasured. Certainly we had our differences; however, these difficulties allowed me to scrutinise my own shortcomings and to then take another step towards patience/generosity/tolerance and so forth.
Many people who come to the dharma are vulnerable, and they are searching for meaning in their life. Others are new to spirituality and have a wonder about the dharma that should be skilfully nurtured. As already committed spiritual practitioners, all the members of SLCD have a duty of care to new attendees to be truthful and clear in their own actions.
NDM: Do you think they will ostracise you for doing so?
Ven Tenpa Bejanke Duim:
Due to the controversial nature of the website that I started and because I posted ‘the letter’ out to members of SLCD, there is a demand by some members that I be held accountable for these actions in some manner. The committee under direction from these members has investigated taking legal action against me and I believe this might be continuing.
At the request of the committee I did close the website. In response to the accusation that I had accessed the member database, I replied that I had not accessed the database, I was then called ‘disingenuous.’ I will assume that once this article becomes known to those who believe that I am the instigator of these events, things may become a little difficult, as my retreat hut is built on SLCD property. However, life is as life is so no problems.
NDM: How has this situation impacted your Buddhist meditation practice by the way?
Ven Tenpa Bejanke Duim: My time in retreat was spent on the practice of Ngondro, Vajrayogini, the Four Immeasurables and Calm Abiding meditation.
I actually didn’t like to meditate due to some very strange incidents when I was new to Buddhism. I tried to explain one of my experiences to the Geshe who’s Centre I was attending at that time, he mocked me in front of the class saying that I must be on drugs or drunk. I was truly mortified, and I will never forget the look on his face as he egged everyone on to laugh at me.
Anyway, I didn’t start calm abiding until I was five months into retreat and then all what it did was put me to sleep. I promised myself that if I could last five minutes then I could go to bed, and I did. At this point I was more interested in surviving Ngondro and reciting the Four Immeasurables.
Consistently working with the Four Immeasurables as a meditation, allowed me to explore in depth the tangled relationship between my family and myself. I howled and railed at what I experienced, and every time I felt I could go no further, I opened my heart yet again to the bigger picture and cried once more. I discovered within myself that love knows no bounds.
Initially, reciting all the mantras was a bit of a killer, and then put that with the meditating and I was hard pressed at times to stay awake and remain coherent. This was when I truly had to dig deep for inspiration to enliven myself. I did my sadhana practice, I meditated, and I sat and sat, and it took three years five months and two weeks before I could finally sit without wriggling. It was very strange to have the restlessness finally disappear but also very welcome.
I consistently continued my sadhana practice out of retreat. Over the following months, I began to cut back on the number of mantras I was doing and then I cut out all extraneous practices. I’m not sure why but as I began to let go of my formal practice and began dealing with the SLCD issues and the pastoral care I really changed, it was like wow, is this really me.
And recently, I let my sadhana practice go altogether, I contemplated why I was still holding on to it and then it was gone, I now just sit throughout the day. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I am doing, there is an awareness that allows me to be present with what is and I can then choose how present I want to be depending on how caught up I am. I allow my anger/frustration/etc. to arise, I observe it and then I let it go. I acknowledge where I am stuck or frustrated on an issue and I talk this over with someone, I can then have a laugh at how I still like to dig my heels in and pout when I am feeling precious.
So I went into retreat knowing I had to change, desperately wanting to change, and I did, and much of this was unknowingly. When I look back on my retreat, I really had no idea about a lot of what I was going through. And now, it is only through the challenges of the past year that have I been able to see the growth I have achieved. I have grown into the foundation of my retreat practice.
Throughout the retreat I counted my blessings and prayed for the welfare of those whose presence at SLCD allowed me this opportunity. And I still thank them, we may have different paths and there has been some conflict, but we are all still the same underneath, ‘empty!’
NDM: Have you had any other insights or realisations of any kind as a result of going through this? For example about karma?
Ven Tenpa Bejanke Duim: Being ignorant and really in need of some guidance I know I have had some realisations but to what degree I don’t know.
In my early days, I couldn’t understand how they spoke about so and so being enlightened because he was still here. I thought that if you got enlightened you died and went to nirvana. Then I was totally disappointed, I had so wanted to get enlightened, die and then go to heaven as soon as possible, escapism.
Awhile back, I really struggled in my meditation; there is no self or other and if there is no self or other what rules am I to live by, how do I make sense of being here. I really had to contemplate on the consequences of my actions, and I suppose part of this was what was happening with SLCD.
I had previously questioned my motivation towards SLCD, but this was different. It was something very fundamental within the deepest part of myself, it was like a huge step I had to take and the hardest part was just sitting with it, so many questions, as well as the anxiety and confusion that arose, as I felt like I was falling apart. And for me, it all came down to ethics and the precepts. To live honestly is to live with compassion, I see the faults within myself and then I know them within the other, as I would like to be forgiven so too can I forgive and understand them.
As I sit here and type this, I allow everything else to fade away and just be present with what is. In one way, this makes what is happening with SLCD seem irrelevant and that caring for the welfare of others seems distant and unimportant. However, I tell myself that this state is transitory, I need to live and learn, I have family and friends to love, and I can offer service so as to acknowledge the generosity I have received and the abundance I live in.
So when the dust settles, if it ever does, I would like to sit with a western teacher, someone who can help me with my meditation and can explain clearly and simply what I need to know. I’m not into ritual, chanting or prayer, I see the place for it and it was useful to begin with, but now it’s not what I want. I would prefer to just sit with the chaos and watch myself trying to accept it as it is, the wish to live the wish to die, the peace the energy, the bliss the pain, the realisations and skirting the edge of madness, so I am sort of wondering where I would fit in, where can I go.
NDM: What advice would you give to someone who is in a situation like this with their teacher?
Ven Tenpa Bejanke Duim: This article highlights SLCD but I would like to see it as a warning for other people who would like to become part of a dharma centre.
If you begin to have doubts listen to your heart, it’s telling you something. It may be that you are going too fast and have become overwhelmed or that you are ignoring some inner signal that is telling you something here is not quite right. Stand back and observe the students and ask questions, and if that’s not helpful use the internet. Just don’t google a name, as that may not reveal any indiscretions, start contacting some well-known sites and ask questions. Get the good and bad reviews and then decide what you can live with, just as we are all different, so too our opinions on what we find helpful and skilful. So ask yourself, “Will this situation be helpful or harmful if I stay in it.” Make an informed choice. And having said that, don’t be too quick to condemn, be reasonable, as the dharma brings up a lot of personal issues that is your stuff to deal with and may have nothing at all to do with the teacher.
Be enthusiastic but not blindly so. And as you proceed, continue to investigate and observe the teacher as well as the students who surround him/her. Do they sing the praises of the teacher so highly that they feel they can’t talk about the teacher’s faults? Don’t give everything up and don’t offer more than you can afford to lose, because if you have to walk away you won’t become embittered by what you have lost. Instead, you can rejoice in what you have learned, as well as your escape.
And if you were to find yourself in this sort of situation, pause before acting, contemplate on what it is you want to achieve, what are your objectives, what is your motivation. Write them down and then take the time to review them every now and then so you don’t lose sight of what it is you are doing and why. Document everything, support will waver and you will experience doubt and despair, so just do what you can do and let go when you have to. And that is important, you have to be able to let go, to know that you did the best you could and then move on.
And what is right for one is not right for another, so be balanced in your expectations. Read books such as, Sex and the Spiritual Teacher, as well as Relating to a Spiritual Teacher by Alexander Berzin, learn about what is appropriate behaviour on your part as well as that of the teacher.
NDM: What are you going to do now with your life?
Tenpa: Retreat laid the foundations and Clinical Pastoral Education is honing my being and I know where my heart lies, and to the best of my ability it is open to all. I volunteer at a hospital, a hospice and a crisis line. So I would like the opportunity to be in a place where I can be a spiritual friend to the ill, the dying and those facing difficulties, as well as to offer support to my family.
In addition, one of the best discoveries I have made over the past year is that enlightenment does not belong just to Buddhism, as I was told. Moreover, the values of the dharma are not just in one tradition of Buddhism or even in all schools of Buddhism, the core values of the dharma are held in many other spheres of society, just in a different format. I am now letting go of my idea of what Buddhism is, and this is difficult, because what does it now mean to me to be a Buddhist nun and is there any value in remaining ordained.
Having said that, I am looking forward to a period of silence, so that I may sit with what I have experienced. I have found the last year to be challenging and I need some quiet time, some time to reflect. On a visit to my family for the birth of my first grandchild, I took the time to sit by the sea to just let myself be. The experience of sitting and just allowing my thoughts to arise without grasping as I watched the waves break on the shore was sublime. This is a uniquely beautiful world and to have enough experience to at least understand this is…
I have found it very difficult at times to articulate what I really wanted to say and how I felt into a document. To the best of my ability I have tried to be fair, but being only too human, bias is present. It has been my wish to be as factual as possible and to allow people their anonymity. Where I have not used letters and emails in their entirety, I have tried to keep to the tone of the message and not just used parts to reflect my best interest. As is shown in these pages, there are no winners when these kinds of controversies are not acknowledged honestly and openly.
What has been presented here are my thoughts and opinions, and they do not necessarily represent the views of others in ‘the group.’
For more info, contact ven.tenpa@yahoo.com.au
http://www.nondualitymagazine.org/nonduality_magazine.4.tenpabejankeduim.interview.htm
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